She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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