I molested 6 butterflies tonight
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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