I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Randomize