Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
