i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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