I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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