Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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