so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
