Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize