remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
