the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
