Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
