Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
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