I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
