well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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