I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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