Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
