What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Randomize
