hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize