Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
