He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
