yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
