My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
