Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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