Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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