You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
