He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize