So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
