Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
