More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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