Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
