Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
