I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
