Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
