I think my vagina is haunted
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize