just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
