Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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