I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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