Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
