At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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