so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
