I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
