My cat gives me a boner
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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