I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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