Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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