remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
