is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize