she looked like the before picture.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
