God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
