I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
