When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
