glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
