he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
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