you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
