after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
