Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
