Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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