I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Randomize
