do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
