I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
