It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have fence marks all over my body
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
