You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
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