this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
