if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
