So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
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