guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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