I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
