i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize