Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
