Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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